I have tried many times in my life to keep a Journal. Each time I fail within a month. It's just not in my nature to write daily, weekly, or at any other type of regular intervals. I write to calm my brain, when ideas and thoughts circle round and round, I find writing a useful way to release them into the world. I suppose meditation and prayer could do the same thing, but I also enjoy looking back and rereading where I've been and how I got to where I am.
So after almost five months of no posts I'm again drawn into this blog world. I don't care if anyone reads it, I just need a place to write.
I blame Disney, but I have a very concrete idea of "how life is supposed to be" especially in the romance department. I know it's a combination of all mass media and relationships I've observed first hand, etc. but mostly the early brain-washing can be traced back to Disney animated films. I can't shake this belief that falling in love should be magical, easy and fast. Sure there's gonna be an obstacle, like only one of you lives on land, or a fire-breathing dragon, but those are easily overcome by the power of your amazing love. I had it all planned out, I would meet someone, know right away she was the one, woo her, move in, get married, buy a house, have a kid. And it worked, sort of. The first time I met M, I was instantly attracted to her, and was confident I could make her "mine". I valiantly pushed ahead with my plan, skipping along, at times dragging my reluctant partner behind a little bit, but she followed me nonetheless. When I didn't get pregnant, we moved on to foster-adopting, and built a beautiful home together. Then things came tumbling apart, our son was turning 18 and we were getting ready to try pregnancy again, and she told me she wan't sure she wanted to spend the next 18 years of her life with me. I was so focused on creating my life just how it was "supposed to be" I hadn't realized that my partner had drifted away, looking for love and support outside of our marriage. We went through therapy, but I felt like she was only there to appease me, much like she has been doing for most of our relationship, giving me what she thought I wanted, instead of being honest about what she needed.
When I reflect on our relationship, I remember the good, and hope to learn from the mistakes. I don't want to create an ideal future that can never be realized or obtained. But I find myself doing it over an over. There's not exactly a plethora of images, stories, or people who promote the single pregnant lesbian ideal. But instead of forging ahead with creating my own path, I turn longingly to the fantasy in my mind. Wishing someone was here to hold me as I sleep, wanting someone to lay her head on my belly and talk to my unborn child. I have so much, family and friends who support me, and even cook for me. I am blessed in so many ways, it feels selfish to admit that I am lonely. I want a partner in this journey. I know I made a choice, and I don't regret it. I just find myself wishing for what isn't. I get tired of being the only single person in a room full of couples. I want to be the most important person in someone's life. I want to have sex. I want to feel someone else's skin beneath my fingertips. I want to cry big ugly tears while someone holds me close and tells me it will all be ok. I don't know what to do with all this wanting.
