One Month To Go

Just one more month till I get to meet my baby girl. I'm excited, and glad to still be feeling good. I can usually avoid heartburn by eating a million small meals throughout the day, and nothing too rich. While I can't exactly bend over to reach things on the floor I have mastered the art of squatting, crawling and other ungraceful movements that get the job done. I went to the hospital birthing class which also includes a tour of the birthing rooms. Gosh they are small! Seems like hospitals have these HUGE hallways and tiny rooms, I think patients would enjoy reversing that. I don't like hospitals, and would rather be at home, but want to have medical interventions available if needed. Working on not letting other people's comments about my body bother me, but they still get to me. Generally people say I'm small, or I don't even look pregnant, for a big girl, this kind of makes me wonder if people have a mental image of me with a large belly so they don't notice the change, or makes me worry that my baby isn't growing fast enough, but the midwife keeps telling me I am measuring just right and my weight is on target. Just need to let go of other people's ideas, and trust in myself.

Realize that I have too much free time on my hand. I typically fill time with books or dvds, but still there is a lot of leftover time. I am trying to enjoy it and relax, knowing that soon I will never have alone time! But also realized that I'm lonely in this extra time. Talking to old friends helps, but still need to schedule more social activity. Part of the problem is my irritation level is constantly high. Coworkers drive me batty, kid's repetitive sounds drive me away, people's unwelcome body comments cause me to shut down. Feel like I'm shutting out the world again, guess I need to just communicate better to let people what I need, and be willing to apologize if I am short with folks.

People also asking if I have started contractions, but as I don't know what exactly these feel like, I don't think I have. I have tried to look for descriptions, but they all sound pretty vague. Occasionally feel a sharp cramp like feeling really low, but doesn't feel tense in my uterus at all. Oh well, guess I will figure it out when I need to.

Lots of disjointed thoughts, feel like this most nights when I'm trying to sleep.

6 months in

I have tried many times in my life to keep a Journal. Each time I fail within a month. It's just not in my nature to write daily, weekly, or at any other type of regular intervals. I write to calm my brain, when ideas and thoughts circle round and round, I find writing a useful way to release them into the world. I suppose meditation and prayer could do the same thing, but I also enjoy looking back and rereading where I've been and how I got to where I am.
So after almost five months of no posts I'm again drawn into this blog world. I don't care if anyone reads it, I just need a place to write.

I blame Disney, but I have a very concrete idea of "how life is supposed to be" especially in the romance department. I know it's a combination of all mass media and relationships I've observed first hand, etc. but mostly the early brain-washing can be traced back to Disney animated films. I can't shake this belief that falling in love should be magical, easy and fast. Sure there's gonna be an obstacle, like only one of you lives on land, or a fire-breathing dragon, but those are easily overcome by the power of your amazing love. I had it all planned out, I would meet someone, know right away she was the one, woo her, move in, get married, buy a house, have a kid. And it worked, sort of. The first time I met M, I was instantly attracted to her, and was confident I could make her "mine". I valiantly pushed ahead with my plan, skipping along, at times dragging my reluctant partner behind a little bit, but she followed me nonetheless. When I didn't get pregnant, we moved on to foster-adopting, and built a beautiful home together. Then things came tumbling apart, our son was turning 18 and we were getting ready to try pregnancy again, and she told me she wan't sure she wanted to spend the next 18 years of her life with me. I was so focused on creating my life just how it was "supposed to be" I hadn't realized that my partner had drifted away, looking for love and support outside of our marriage. We went through therapy, but I felt like she was only there to appease me, much like she has been doing for most of our relationship, giving me what she thought I wanted, instead of being honest about what she needed.

When I reflect on our relationship, I remember the good, and hope to learn from the mistakes. I don't want to create an ideal future that can never be realized or obtained. But I find myself doing it over an over. There's not exactly a plethora of images, stories, or people who promote the single pregnant lesbian ideal. But instead of forging ahead with creating my own path, I turn longingly to the fantasy in my mind. Wishing someone was here to hold me as I sleep, wanting someone to lay her head on my belly and talk to my unborn child. I have so much, family and friends who support me, and even cook for me. I am blessed in so many ways, it feels selfish to admit that I am lonely. I want a partner in this journey. I know I made a choice, and I don't regret it. I just find myself wishing for what isn't. I get tired of being the only single person in a room full of couples. I want to be the most important person in someone's life. I want to have sex. I want to feel someone else's skin beneath my fingertips. I want to cry big ugly tears while someone holds me close and tells me it will all be ok. I don't know what to do with all this wanting.

Midwives, and OBs and Facebook, Oh My!

At week 9 I met with my midwife Vicki. She was very kind, as was everyone else at the practice. This was really important to me, another all-female OB practice I had called earlier was almost rude to me on the phone, giving me a list of special requirements I needed to meet because I was on Medicaid, and suggesting I start my care at the county health clinic. I was so relieved to find this new practice, where everyone was nice to me, and didn’t even bill me for my first visit, because I hadn’t received my Medicaid card yet. Vicki answered all my questions, but then told me I would have to see the OBs because I have a history of seizures. I have had two seizures in my life, one was ten years ago, the other twenty years ago, and I do not take any anti-seizure medications. This was very disappointing to me, I didn’t want to be treated like a sick person. I am really healthy and this is a normal part of life, I wanted a midwife to guide me through the process, not a bunch of medical tests and procedures. But the only other midwives were hours away and they have the same policies, so I agreed to see the female OB and Vicki’s practice, just because everyone else there was so kind, and I like the hospital they deliver at.

Asking for help is not my strong point, but after being rejected from the midwife, I called my friend Kimberly who is an actual Nurse Midwife, but not currently practicing. She said she loved helping women during pregnancy and childbirth, and would see me regularly as a friend, and offer me any advise and support I needed. This was such a relief and felt great to have someone so knowledgeable on my team.

My OB visit was at week 11, she was also very nice, and I did my required exams and blood work. There is a new test called the Harmony test that can tell within 99% accuracy if my child has any chromosome abnormalities. I agreed to this test partially because a few friends of mine had gone through the heartbreak of loosing infants in the first moments of life. Not that knowing makes it any easier, I am just hoping for reassurance. She looked for the heartbeat with the Doppler but wasn’t able to find it so she sent me to get an ultrasound. I wasn’t planning on so much testing, but at the same time my anxiety had been steadily increasing the past few weeks, and I knew that seeing an image of a healthy fetus would greatly reduce my anxiety. The ultrasound was amazing and beautiful, to see my actual baby moving around inside of me was such a precious gift. I was amazed by the details, fingers, toes, a brain! Hard to believe so much is developed at such a small size. My baby was moving really fast the whole time, flipping and kicking. The technician measured a normal heartbeat and by length estimated 12 weeks, even though I know the exact date of insemination. The OB, actually said I could return to seeing Vicki the midwife if that’s what I wanted, but she did refer me to the local neurologist as well.

After this visit, I went ahead and told the world (aka facebook) and my boss. It was great to hear an outpouring of support and excitement, with just a touch of confusion thrown in there.

Twelve Week Wait

I knew about the treacherous “two week wait” from my previous attempts at pregnancy, but new to me was the “12-week wait” This is the time from conception to 12 weeks; after which the chance of miscarriage greatly declines. This is typically the time the baby’s heartbeat can be detected. I feel like I can’t fully believe that I’m pregnant, and believe that there will be a baby come December, until I make it to 12 weeks. This is also the time where it will start being obvious to those around me that my body is changing. This last month I have felt small changes in my body, but don’t actually look any different. I have hopes that magical things will happen when I hit week 12; no more nausea or weird smells, and no more fear. We will see if this happens.

During this time, I also started dating someone new. I told her I was pregnant on the second date and she was fine with it. As we kept dating she actually got excited about he idea of a baby. I however felt apprehensive about sharing this part of my life with someone I was just getting to know. It was also hard because I would get extremely tired, we would make plans only to have me falling asleep during dinner. After about 6 weeks I called it off. I just didn’t see her in my long-term plans. We were both very respectful and kind about the whole thing. And I realized I don’t really want to date anyone right now. I’m giving myself a two-year break from even thinking about it---we’ll see if that works ;)

Telling My Parents

I was worried my parents would be worried about me being alone, and being irresponsible. I hadn’t told them anything earlier, because I also didn’t want them to get their hopes up, and ask me about it all the time, also there were some details I wanted to skip over. So when I called my mom, I quickly went through my entire spiel about how I wanted this for the last ten years, and I only had five good fertile years left, and I didn’t have time to wait and see if I found a partner, and I have a really great support system of friends in my life, so I just went ahead and did it and it worked. I expected my mom to go through a period of shock before total excitement, but she went straight to joy and jubilation. I can hear the smile through the phone every time I talk to her on the phone now.

Two Week Wait

My plans for staying sane during the two week wait:

1.    Stay as busy as possible!!! Overbook myself like I never have before, make appointments, see friends I haven’t talked to in a year, work double shifts, stay in motion.

2.    Go ahead, blame everything on the baby: I’ve eaten an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s Phish food, it’s because the baby needed calcium, I’m are crying uncontrollably for no reason, must be the pregnancy hormones

3.    When I feel sure that I’m not pregnant, even though it is only day 19, go ahead and experience that sadness, grieve the loss of this month’s hope, and then plan my next step.

4.    Try not to look at calendars; I try not to even know what day it is.

5.    Do not test early, wait for your period, wait for day 28

6.    Remind well-intentioned questioners that you won’t know anything for two whole weeks, but they will be the first to hear the results.

7.    Live a normal life, go to hot yoga, have a beer, have a morning coffee, eat seafood, take care of myself, but don’t restrict every “not during pregnancy” activity.

After so much, planning, waiting, and build up, the actual pregnancy test day was quick and easy. I made myself wait until day 29 of my cycle, after work. I went to a drugstore (not my usual one, as if I’m embarrassed to be buying a pregnancy test from pharmacists who know me, chalk that up to American sex-shame?) bought a test with two sticks and drove to the farm. The same place where I had my RV insemination. I went straight to the bathroom, and tried to read through all the instructions while I really had to pee. My friend MK came in while I was waiting and we watched the two pink lines quickly appear. She kept asking if that was it, which meant I was really pregnant. I kept saying that the tests are really accurate and you can’t false positive, only false negative. I was trying to believe that my crazy plan actually worked, right away. I texted my tribe a photo of the positive test and spread the good news. My next thought was, damn, I guess I have to tell my parents now….

It was really hard to absorb the shock, and surprise of being pregnant when I didn’t feel any different. The next few weeks, I just walked around in disbelief. I told my donor, and he said how happy he was for me. What a perfect response.

Since I quit my job I didn’t have any health insurance so I applied for pregnancy Medicaid right away. It was a pretty easy process. I felt a little weird taking government assistance for the first time in my life, but am thankful it is there.

A Real Live Donor!

The first in person meeting of the donor:

I’m naturally shy, and try to avoid meeting new people. So this was a big meeting. Luckily, my housemates and their kids were there with me to carry the conversation when I wasn’t able to. He is 13 years younger with me, but props to him for bringing up the awkward topic first. He was kind and generous and thanked me for trusting him with this task.

Thank god for texting, because there are some conversations you just don’t want to have aloud

Freezing faux pas:

So in my ten minute face to face conversation with my donor I didn’t quite cover all the basics, apparently Donor had been saving future donations in the freezer and asked if I wanted all five cups filled up for the first date I was inseminating! I explained more clearly that I only needed one sample each time and needed it to be “fresh” within one hour. This is the most I have ever discussed semen with anyone in my entire life!!!

The passing of the cup

After texting on a time and date, I drove up to his house, never having been there before, knocked and waited. He came to the door and we exchanged quick pleasantries, then he gave me the cup and I was out of there. I drove down the driveway and at the stop sign transferred the sample into a small needleless syringe to reduce air exposure and keep it warm between my legs while driving. Then I drove to my friend’s house about 5 minutes away.

When the RV’s a rockin’ don’t come a knockin’

I wanted a close, private location to inseminate myself. I have friends that volunteered their homes but I wanted my own space that I could access anytime. Then I came up with the perfect solution: my friends Jane and Mary Kay had an RV that is parked in their driveway unless they are camping. I thought it would be comfortable, convenient, private and cozy. So this is where I drove with my little swimmers.

Two days later I repeated this process to cover the entire window of possible ovulation. I chose not to use an ovulation predictor kit because my cycles are so regular, and I hate trying to decide if the line is darker or equal, or wonder if the next test is going to be darker, etc. Also, it can be best to have the swimmers there ready and waiting before the egg actually pops out. I also don’t do the temperature monitoring because I wake up slowly and have trouble remembering to do it. I just counted days and monitored my fertile mucus and cervix position. I was planning on doing day 12 and 14, but my donor wasn’t available until day 13 and 15. These days however matched up better with my fertility signs.