April Beginnings

I write for myself, to remember, to process my emotions, to reflect, and to plan. I rarely write for an audience, but as I embark on this unique journey, I feel as though my thoughts may be interesting and helpful to someone out there. It is with that hope that I begin:

Instead of a New Year’s Resolution I chose a word to focus on for 2014. My word is trust, and my favorite definition of trust is: confident hope. I have challenged myself to trust deeper, broader, and more freely this year. I hope to trust my gut and follow my heart, to trust in others, and to trust in my god.

I have made some leaps of faith this year, starting with trying out online dating (not going so well, small town limited number of lesbians ages 24-45). Then in March I quit my job of six years working for the county. I walked away from health insurance, a small but steady income, and a retirement plan. And I felt free! I work at a local grocery store and pick up odd jobs here and there, and I have the time and the freedom to live my life. I grow food, raise chickens, and explore my beautiful mountains.

Then April brought a new venture, after asking all my male friends in the past three months if they would be my sperm donor, I asked my friends to ask every healthy male ages 21-40, if they would consider it. And I found a guy who said yes! I could go on about the details of his height, build, family health history, etc. but the truth is I don’t care, he said yes! I didn’t ask him even a fraction of the questions one could ask. But here’s what I did know he didn’t expect any compensations, he didn’t want to be a father in any way, and he just felt like he should help out another human if he can.

I had reached the conclusion earlier this year that at age 35, I only had about five good years left in me to try and grow a baby. This is not a passing fancy; it is something I have wanted for the past ten years. I realized that being a mother was my calling and the greatest gift I could offer this world. To deny this, or ignore it, would leave me with regret for the rest of my life. I know that it will be a challenge to be a single mother, but I have an amazing community of friends that I know will support me, however they are able. I figure I have the rest of my life to find a partner, and as much as I would like to embark on this journey as a joint venture, I just couldn’t wait.